How My Year of Yes Became a Year of No

When I started my Year of Yes six months ago, I never expected the experience would teach me more about saying no. I didn’t read all the books and articles about people’s Year of Yes, but from what I heard, it was going to be life changing. It would unlock amazing experiences and open doors to new opportunities. Perhaps I should have read those books after all or perhaps I shouldn’t have started a Year of Yes during a pandemic because saying yes has taken me in a completely different direction.

I started my Year of Yes in October. Most people start them after a milestone birthday, a big break-up or another year of being single. I started mine because I was in a rut. I had just spent six months in L.A., and I returned feeling like I gained very little out of the experience. Over the past decade, I had moved to new cities the say way people take up new hobbies. I hadn’t lived in one city for more than two years since I was fifteen. Picking up, leaving, starting over was my thing. I loved doing it, and I hated standing still. When I returned from my time in L.A., I hit a wall because I didn’t know where else to go that was new, exciting and permissible in a pandemic. I also refused to get a car, so that severely limited my options. Moreover, I was reaching a milestone I have never reached in my adult life — I would be staying in one place for longer than two years. I was itching to pick up and move again, but I knew deep down that it was not the right thing to do. Only, I didn’t know why.

I remember standing in my tiny New York bathroom, frustrated at being back in the city but not wanting to be back in L.A. when I had the realization: I am someone who carried my comfort zone with me wherever I went. I didn’t find comfort in a place or people, I found it in myself. Maybe it was how I learned to function or the version of myself I presented to the world. Either way, carrying my comfort zone around me allowed me to move around engage with the world but still keep it at arm’s length — never really being a part of it. Luckily, it was also mobile. So when I moved from city to city, my comfort zone came with me like one of those survival kits you keep in the trunk of your car. After spending years doing this, I was tired of the wall I had put up. I was tired of running, and yes — it started to feel like running at this point. It was time to step outside my emotional comfort zone, be vulnerable and figure out who I really was. So I began my Year of Yes.

The journey started out easily. I got a text from a friend I hadn’t spoken to since college. Want to meet for drinks? Yes! Someone offered me tickets to a comedy show. Yes! Another friend asked if I would spend time with their friend who just moved from Germany and didn’t know anyone in the city. Uh…yes? I said yes to all the things one says yes to: new experiences, fun people, even getting an egg out of a chicken coop. It was great, but it wasn’t life changing in the least.

I was more surprised by the small, unnoticeable yesses. I went to David Byrne’s American Utopia with my partner. At one point in the show, the audience gets up to dance. Normally, I would have rolled my eyes or sunk lower in my chair, but this was my Year of Yes. Without hesitation, I flew up, as did my partner, and we danced. Normally we’d be self-aware, but instead, we were free. Being silly, dancing in my seat, to what I would normally call a corny song, felt great. I liked letting go of this image I had of myself as someone who was too cool for something like that. I liked dropping some posh persona I keep up and choosing instead to live in the moment.

The other small yesses proved interestingly fruitful over time. Saying yes to going to the gym every day led to a healthier lifestyle. Saying yes to an afternoon walk before the sun set led to a winter with very little seasonal affective disorder. Saying yes to salad (ugh) led to clearer skin.

Not all yesses were so positive. I said yes to letting go of someone who had been in my life for a long time even though I didn’t want to let go. I said yes to the pain, yes to the inevitable sadness and yes to the grief. Instead of running away, I accepted that these were things that I needed to face right now, so I stood still. I faced the onslaught of emotions, and I dealt with it.

When I started to stand still with this grief, I realized that I was carrying more pain and emotional baggage than I realized. Little things, big things, little “t” trauma and big “T” trauma — I had been carrying it around for years, and suddenly, I felt so tired. I couldn’t emotionally and physically carry this weight around with me any longer. I couldn’t enter the next chapter of my life or move forward in any kind of way until I let go. So I said yes to taking the time to heal.

I took great care with my emotional healing. Since my Year of Yes started, I had gained more and more courage with each experience. With that newfound courage, I faced things that I had been running from for years. I accepted things I couldn’t change in my relationships. I let go of the ways people hurt me in the past. And I acknowledge that perhaps I hadn’t fully healed in areas that I had long considered a closed book.

I permitted myself the time to unburden my emotional load. I let go of things that weren’t benefiting me. I wrote. I took lots of thought walks. I went back to therapy. I talked to my family, my partner, my therapist and God. The only thing I didn’t do was cry because releasing the emotional burden felt so good, and I felt happier and emotionally healthier than I had felt in years.

Each day the burden feels lighter, and I feel space opening for whatever is coming next. I feel calmer, braver, more vulnerable and open to not being in control. This peace feels hard-earned, and I want to protect it. I want to nurture whatever is blossoming inside of me, and I found that means saying no.

I started this journey with a blind-faith optimism that I will say yes to anything. I trusted that whatever comes my way will be right for me. Six months in, I see that’s not true. Life doesn’t work like that. We are given choices every single day. We can’t possibly say yes to all of them, or we’d feel utterly overwhelmed or pulled in a million directions. The secret is saying no. Lately, I have said no more than I have said yes, and that feels right.

I have said no to social and extracurricular engagements that felt draining. I said no to going to the gym when the writing was flowing. I said no to finding a new apartment right now, no to scrolling through social media and no to going out in the city. I have slowly started saying no to work that isn’t taking me towards my mountain top and no to people who aren’t good for my wellbeing. Most impressively, I’ve said no to opportunities, and I’ve trusted myself to know what was right for me. Often, I find myself following Iain Thomas’s advice, taking a moment to be quiet and saying to myself, “No. This is important.” I trust my decisions, and I try not to let social media, friends or even family make me question that.

And the results have been amazing. From saying no to a lot of things, I have more energy and focus for the stuff that matter to me. I find myself progressing further than I ever have before. I feel invigorated, engaged in my work in new ways and getting things done. I have more inspiration than ever, and I can’t keep up with the ideas I have flowing. I am so blessed and so grateful that I am in a place in my life where I have this kind of focus and am running with it. I don’t take it for granted for one second.

Looking back, it still seems surprising that my Year of Yes has led me here. I thought for sure, I’d be holed up in a flat in Paris and studying fashion– not writing in my same old New York apartment (and I mean OLD). But I don’t regret that I am here. I know for me, the new thing, the scary thing was standing still. It was putting my guard down and being vulnerable with myself and with the people in my life. I never thought I would unlock new depths, or that I would ever have the bravery to stand still, let go and heal. More than anything, I never expected to learn how to honor the person that I am, honor my dreams and my goals and go for it. I’m only halfway through this Year of Yes. I will continue to say yes. I will keep finding ways of being brave, less self-aware, vulnerable. But I am going to say no a lot too. I am going to say no to the things that are not right for me, no to the things I don’t need and no to whatever doesn’t honor the person that I am. The yes’s and the no’s are moving me forward, but I have the power to decide in what direction I’m going in, and well, all I can say is it’s going to be interesting.